Things I recall from my trip to Germany

There was this family that sat in front of us on the plane, and the mother and father were both german, yet their two children appeared to only speak English. I did not understand this. They were kind of obnoxious, but fucking adorable. I spent approximately twenty minutes making faces at this two-and-a-half-year-old child when he would stick his head above the seat to look at me. He seemed very entertained by this. But then a few hours into the flight his mood shifted, and he just cried loudly while we crossed the Atlantic. While in a restaurant with my family in Erlangen about a week later, I once again caught the attention of a toddler-aged boy who found it rather amusing to make eye contact with me, hide, then reappear and laugh joyously when i smiled at him. I am a big hit with the preschool fellas.

My uncles Michael and Peter picked us up from the airport. We got to the car and Michael promptly handed my father a beer. My mother inquired whether there were laws in germany about drinking in your car. He seemed shocked at this nonsense idea and said no. My mother explained that in America, this is not allowed. To which Michael replied, “Everything is not allowed in America."

I was under the impression that all Europeans hate Americans, but they actually pretty openly borrow from American culture. For example, slogans of soaps and banks and whatnot are often in English. And on MTV Germany, they play classic American television shows such as Parental Control and A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila, using only German subtitles. While American television may bring the trashy, german television is all about the cheesy. Hannah Montana is on prime-time television and I'm pretty sure Miley Cyrus is going to take over the world.

Within my first few days there, my cousin took me to two bars. One was called Paunchy Cats (I don’t know what it is with germans and English names for things). I don’t know what the other one was called. Consuming alcohol in establishments erected for this purpose is expensive. I think I would rather get shitfaced at home and then go to one of these places. Or just not.

Most people in germany are pretty slender. But those who are noticeably overweight do not give a fuck. There was this one heavier girl in particular who danced like she was auditioning for the Elizabeth Berkley masterpiece Showgirls, which was just mildly entertaining until she took off her jacket to reveal a top that can best be described as a one-piece bathing suit. It did not provide her chest area with the coverage it needed. A few men seemed to like this and paid her much attention. So the fact that my cousin and her friends (and myself. Cough.) mocked her dance moves endlessly throughout the night probably wouldn’t have even bothered her had she realized this was happening. You go, girl.

The night definitely increased in its level of enjoyment as people became more intoxicated and started dancing more freely. The drunkest dancer of them was my cousin’s friend who was, in fact, completely sober. I loved her. However, watching people grind to such well-known party tunes as “Killing in the Name” by Rage Against the Machine or “Rape Me” by Nirvana is somewhat off-putting.

I have a question: Do people really meet persons of romantic interest in bars? These seems impossible. Drunk strangers, men in particular, have a tendency to be slightly repulsive, I have found. I was sober one night in this club that was probably filled beyond capacity (causing me to repeatedly ponder how fucked we all would be if there was a fire) and people were somewhat unpleasant and sweaty. Men kept unnecessarily touching me in passing. If people my cousin did not introduce me to attempted to speak to me, I just told them that I didn’t speak any German and they thankfully did not speak English well. One boy attempted to hold a conversation by asking me why I was here, and I told him I was there for vacation. He then said, “You are here for work?” and I said, “No. Vacation. The opposite of work.” And he said, “Vacation is the same as ‘holiday?’” and I said yes. I could tell he was trying really hard to uncover whatever English phrases he could remember, making this all the more awkward. I glanced around to find my cousin, who upon taking in the situation simply steered me away. I think if I was this courageous young man, I would have killed myself.

There were far too many people on the verge of making love in this club. One girl was completely gone at the time she first entered my view (I could tell because she was dancing while simultaneously and obliviously dumping her beer behind her head) and several hours later she was pretty literally eating/having her face eaten by a boy I am not sure if she was previously acquainted with. But I am sure that it was fucking gross to watch. It went on for far too long. I’m not so sure if I am cut out for drinking in public.

On a completely unrelated note, light switches in germany are sometimes located on the outside of rooms, especially bathrooms. So whenever excreting waste, I am paranoid that some immature soul is going to flip the switch at a most inconvenient time. On new years eve, while extremely and embarrassingly intoxicated, I accidentally turned off the light on some poor girl using the bathroom, leaving her in complete darkness. Proof that I sometimes worry about things that could actually happen to people.

I am now tired and therefore finished discussing my trip. Trust that the rest of my journey was alright. Although, I am fairly happy to be in my normal surroundings again.