like this.

there is a pregnant woman in my biology class, and today she was saying that she has been having the worst cravings for mcdonald's french fries, but the company supports things that she doesn't agree with, so she doesn't eat there. i was thinking something along the lines of violating animal rights or shitty food quality. but then she said that they contributed money to gay and lesbian organizations, and she would not give them her patronage "for the future of my children." to which i should have said, "yeah, because all of those homosexuals wanting equal rights are such an imminent danger to your family, you dumb bitch." but who wants to fight a pregnant lady?

luckily, my biology professor is this wonderful sudanese man who is rather soft-spoken and has an adorable accent. i was so enamored by him i could not be fully outraged by her ridiculousness. my professor sports a lot of creative outfits, especially for someone who is about sixty years old. today, for example, he was wearing a collared shirt under a multi-color striped beige sweater. over the sweater he had a similarly colored beige blazer with a tiny brown plaid pattern and a matching newsboy cap. he was wearing gray slacks and, to complete the ensemble, brown/beige NIKE DUNKS. i told him i liked his outfit. in response to which he raised his arms, did a spin and said, "thank you, thank you!"

and i died.

i should be studying for my biology test. but i have my priorities.

first, here is an open letter to kanye west:

dear yeezy,

i have loved you since i was fourteen. that's five years of dedication, which is a lot for someone a)so young and b)so fickle. i love you because you dropped out of college and are living the dream. and because, despite that bloated ego of yours, you have a lot of talent. and because you used to have soul. now you have these weird-ass drum tracks and auto-tune.

i stuck with you through a lot of bullshit. for example, pretty much half of the songs on graduation. and all those pictures of nearly naked skanks on your blog. but like hannah montana preaches, "nobody's perfect," or so i said to myself.

but i have had enough. i have to break up with you because you have really been losing your touch lately. with every new song that surfaces from your upcoming album, i tell myself, "keep an open mind. you can learn to love this shit." but i can't. and i don't want to. because when you really love someone, it should come instinctively.

when you first wanted to rap everyone was all, "you can't rap, youz a producer." and you showed them wrong. and i guess now you are trying to show everyone you're a singer. but... is it really singing when it's auto-tuned?

so, i wish you the best of luck. i hope you understand, and maybe we can still be friends.

yours,
Stephanie


second:

the new object of my affection, and kanye's replacement, is girl talk aka greg gillis. i remember sort of casually listening to a song here and there a year or two ago and thinking it was cool but not really investigating any futher. a few nights ago i downloaded the entire girl talk discography and lost my shit. WHY DIDN'T ANYBODY BOTHER TO TELL ME THAT I NEEDED THIS IN MY LIFE?!! i sort of want to punch any friend of mine who was aware of girl talk's existence and didn't make this recommendation.

who knew it was possible to sample both neutral milk hotel and that song that goes, "i need a dime that's top of the line. cute face, little waist and a big behind" within seconds of each other and make it sound fucking awesome? greg gillis did. or who would dare to couple someone rapping about "getting some head" with sinead o'connor's "nothing compares 2 u?" i think you know the answer.

he even somehow manages to utilize avril lavigne's "girlfriend" in a way that is not entirely annoying.

i am going to be mrs. girl talk. i'm sure of it. and we won't even have to hire a dj for the reception!

samantha brown must die.

every time passport to (some place awesome) with samantha brown is on my beloved travel channel, i think to myself, "why is this bitch living my life?"

she is barely tolerable most of the time. she is perpetually awkward and makes the lamest jokes. i've seen her consume alcohol in several episodes, and not even this appears to allow her to relax. and yet she somehow convinced people to give her the opportunity to go see all sorts of wonderful places, while meeting interesting people and eating good food.

i would make a much better travel show host than samantha brown. passport to (whatever the season's theme is) with stephanie proft. sounds like an improvement from the original, right?

everybody cares.

i projectile vomited all over my room last night. i am sort of a chronic oversharer, so i will not divulge details. except that the last thing i ate was lasagna and it was everywhere. today was spent trying to convince my body not to throw up again. it worked, but i still feel pretty barfy.

a somewhat related question: why have celebrities taken it upon themselves to ensure that young people are encouraged to vote? it's not that i disagree with the sentiment that the youth should be active in choosing its representation. i just think it's worrisome if ludacris or jessica alba was the primary motivation to get you to fill out that voter's registration card.

and why do these frivolous celebrities feel they are qualified to give political endorsements? i would bet kanye declared scarlett johansson as his favorite white girl because she is hot, not because she openly endorses barack obama. because i don't think anyone actually gives two shits about her political views, and i think the same goes for virtually every other celebrity who has given his or her endorsement, which is typically for obama (because everyone knows that conservatives do not possess the necessary shining personalities or talent to become famous.. jay kay!!).

i am so glad that elections only happen every four years; i could not possibly stand this fuckery if it occured at smaller intervals. i actually wish this election would just be overwith. i think there is really only so much that can be said about either of the tickets, and we have reached a point where no new arguments are being made. people are just rehashing the same issues, and i think most people having these arguments are fairly set in their opinions, which makes the discussions completely useless and annoying.

finally, liberals and socialists are not offended by being called "a liberal" and/or "socialist." so it is ineffective to use these terms as intended insults.

i need this in my life.

i'm going to germany for the first time since i was twelve this christmas. i am very excited. i happent to stem from the best part of germany, bavaria. more specifically, i was born in a town called lichtenfels, which is world renowned for being the "german basket city." (fun fact: lichtenfels is actually not that well-known, even among germans.) i think this is reason enough to justify that bavaria is the best region of the country. but if it isn't, i will argue that we speak with the cutest of all the german dialects. it might actually be the only cute german dialect, upon further thought. i would equate it to the american southerner's accent. not so much because bavaria is located in the southern portion of germany, but because it sounds adorably unrefined.

so anyway, i really want someone to get me this dirndl:
(excuse her face, please.)




to celebrate my bavarian heritage on special occasions. or to wear around my house on a daily basis while i bake apfelstrudel and serve overflowing beer mugs to a very fortunate and appreciative man. whichever occurs first.

gross.

i have a few really obvious defects that are a part of my character and being somewhat obsessive is certainly one of them. sometimes my preoccupations are directed at people i will probably never meet (kanye west, ridiculous celebrities), but other times they are concerned with horrifying yet highly unlikely possibilities. for example, when i was fourteen, i found out that honda is manufacturing robots, and there is chance that these machines could become a part of our society. naturally, i started considering what would happen if these bitches malfunction and kill and/or sabotage their owners, and for a good three years i was regularly haunted by the prospect of evil robots. i am sort of over it, at this point. but i still don't feel like i ever need to see that will smith movie that is basically an enactment of this fear.

as the saying goes, out with the old semi-irrational fear, in with the new. i recently was made aware of a bodily phenomenon known as a "prolapse," which is best described, i guess, as an event where certain organs that should remain on the inside of your body, fall out of place and then suddenly become visible to outside viewers. i think the most terrifying and well-known kinds of prolapses are those of the anus and uterus. YOUR ASSHOLE AND VAGINA , ladies, CAN TURN THEMSELVES INSIDE OUT.

i know it sounds scary, but wait till curiosity gets the better (or worst, i'd say) of you, and you decide to google for pictures. i know i am prone to speak in hyperbole, but it is seriously the most fucking horrifying thing i have ever laid eyes upon and makes me want to die. the worst one was a picture of a man whose anus prolapsed while he was doing some heavy weightlifting. and i cannot get it out of my head. all day i've been having visions of these godawful pictures, praying that my anus and vagina stay strong and never let anything fall out of there, other than the usual things.

what is most shocking is that you never really hear about this shit, but i'd say it's far more terrifying than cancer or aids, which you hear about all the time. i think we need to invest more in cultivating prolapse awareness and how to prevent it. because no one should ever have to see, let alone experience something so incredibly disgusting.

i hope this does not happen again.

i don't think that i'm what people would describe as "approachable." i'm not sure why. i think it may have something to do with the fact that i have a condition best described as "bitch face," where i look sort of smug and/or irritable at all times unless i am smiling. no one has ever told me this directly, but i have been accused of smirking at times i didn't even realize i was doing it, and my mother often tells me to "stop making that face" when my face just naturally falls that way.


today i got out of class fifteen minutes early, and i was sitting on a bench waiting for my next class, minding my own business. and this complete stranger mumbles something at me. to which i replied, "huh?" and the following conversation ensued.


boy: you cold?
me: not really.. it's just raining.
boy: what's your name?
me: stephanie. what's yours?
boy: ta-mumble.
me: what is it?
boy: ta-mumble.
me: oh.
boy: mumble mumble.
me: what was that?
boy: do you stay round here.. in phenix city?
me: like, do i live here? yeah.
boy: (not even looking in my general direction) mumble mumble.
me: (assuming this was not an important comment or even meant for me, did not reply)

a few moments later.

boy: (this time at me) mumble mumble boyfriend?
me: do i have a boyfriend?
boy: yeah.
me: no.
boy: can i get yo number to call you sometime. take you out?
me: uhhh... sure.

i then proceeded to give him my digits because i could not bring myself to say no. although i was pretty baffled at the request, considering how awful our interaction was going. he asked me if i would call or text him sometime. i said i might, but i won't. this young man and i do not have a future. i can tell. mostly because i can't understand a damn word he says. also, because i asked him for his name twice, and i still don't know what comes after the first syllable and at this point, can't really ask again. oh, and because it was literally one of the most uncomfortable conversations of my life.

please do not call me, ta-mumble. please do not call.

debbie downer.

so, the election is less than a month away. i'm not even excited to vote at all anymore. partially because i live in alabama, which is very much a red state so my vote matters even less than others. but moreso, i am not even remotely stoked about either of the candidates at this point. i don't really think that obama is the beacon of integrity he is being painted as, but i fundamentally disagree with john mccain on a variety of topics. and i would shit if palin made it to the white house as the first female vice president, for a vast array of reasons.

i am starting to wonder how much of this economic crisis is just being perpetuated by fear mongering. it almost seems like a self-fulfilling prophecy at this point. i obviously realize that there are legitimate fears and problems, but the stock market correlates so much with the confidence of investors. i don't think it helps for increasing amounts of bleak predictions to be put into rotation by the media. or maybe i am just being naive, and we really are in a terrible global crisis. i am just deluding myself as a coping mechanism. either way, i am still having a hard time attempting to subdue my inner panic.

something else that has become increasingly irritating to me the more i think about it are those stupid fucking totes that say things like, "i am not a plastic bag" or "save the planet" or something else proving the carrier's moral superiority. don't get me wrong. i think it's wonderful to avoid plastic and love trees. the environment is not my number one concern, but i've never thought of being wasteful as an attractive quality. my issue with these bags is that they are primarily not grocery bags. they are sold in stores that don't even sell groceries. those reuseable cloth bags they do sell at grocery stores cost, like, a dollar, which seems extremely reasonable for something you use to carry your food purchases from the store to your house while being considerate of planet earth. the bags in question cost considerably more.

the thing is that when people buy these eco-friendly seeming bags, they really should be using them as a substitute to something that is damaging to the environment. otherwise the self-righteous proclaimation on the item itself just seems a little silly, not to mention douchey. my bet is that most people use their "tree hugger" tote to carry things such as a wallet, cell phone, lip balm (organic, i bet), gum, maybe some tampons, etc. when was the last time you saw a person with a home carry these items in a plastic bag? probably never. because women tend to contain these essentials in something called a purse, which is typically reusable and not made of plastic bags.

so use your non-plastic bag (that was probably produced by little vietnamese girls for 60 cents an hour) to carry your goddamned groceries and not personal items. because it makes you look like an asshole.

i would like to marry this song.

perfection.