i fucking love babies.

i am not one of those crazy girls that has a very definite life plan that includes an age by which she wants to be married and how many children she wants to have of each gender with preselected names. in fact, i don't know if i ever want to be married, but i have decided within the last twenty minutes that i would really like to have a baby.

as a female, the idea of motherhood and carrying life should probably seem like the most natural thing in the world to me. it doesn't. when i imagine something living (or nonliving, for that matter) in my uterus for nine months, i am, simply put, genuinely creeped out. i've seen newborns. they don't even really look human. the idea of pushing one of those out of my body is sort of repulsive, actually. but new mothers always love their children, probably because they schlepped them around for so long that they are a) just thankful to not have it inside of them and b) you can't hate your own newborn baby, people will in turn hate you. and once they get a little older they become considerably more cute, kind of like kittens.

in the distant future, when i have my shit together mentally and fiscally and have found a fly, reliable fellow who matches or exceeds my level of coolness, i am going to proposition this fellow to create one of the top ten (at least!) coolest babies in the world. gwen stefani's spawn, kingston, ranks in at number one right now, just for reference. but my baby is probably going to blow that cute little shit out of the water.

how do i know my baby is going to be so fucking cool? i will tell you. i am a connoisseur of cute babies, and i can say without being biased, that i was off-the-charts adorable from my birth to approximately six years of age. (it definitely went downhill from there, but i think within the last year or two i've started to make a comeback.) i also happen to look exactly like my mother, who happens to look identical to her mother, which leads me to believe that my genetics will shine through in the making of this baby.

my partner in baby creation and i are going to make great parenting choices and our cool baby will not only be one adorable, well-dressed motherfucker, it will also be a baby that only cries for a damned good reason.

when it learns how to talk, i will record it singing along to top 40 hits and put these videos on youtube for others to partake in the awesomeness of my child. like the "my humps" baby, only even more incredible.